November 30, 2015

its back

wow. it has been ages since i have opened a blog page to write! what a shame that our world has become so fast that a social media post is sometimes too much for our attention spans. 

i used to write a lot. i felt like thoughts/opinions were constantly flowing and ebbing at the edge of my brain just begging to spill out. then about a year ago they ceased. 

the world became a blur of diapers and sleep schedules and writing wasn't even on my radar. my energy and creativity had been sucked into the keeping alive of a tiny perfect human being; and it was bliss. 
some weeks ago i thought, where have all of my thoughts gone?! not that my brain was empty but those extra thoughts that creep in the deep untapped corners of your brain. those intense, odd thoughts that most of us have but dare say to anyone but ourselves. so i began to dig, flip, shake; anything to awaken them because they are me; and something i have always vowed is that i would be me for my children. that i would be odd, quirky and question everything in order to foster that difference in them. i believe that being strange, being yourself will lead you to your perfect life. 

so today as i went about a normal monday laying cohen down for his morning nap those thoughts, after being rattled for a few weeks, began to emerge like a slow, low fog to to the front of my mind. swirling and conjuring up the bubbly need to type that i long for. 

and it was all especially ordinary. but, it made me realize the perfect calm that you have as a mother each day. the soft glug of the morning bath draining and the scent of baby lotion on your hands. the cozy mess of toy trucks and tiny shoes. the assurance that you are needed, wanted, loved in a way that cannot be replicated and will never cease. 

the silent promise of a sleeping baby that when he wakes he will know you exactly as you are and love you for it. 

there is no other feeling in the world that can foster a perfect understanding of yourself like being a mother. and though for a year my thoughts were trapped deep inside me i know they were only multiplying and growing because of him; and i cannot wait to share them. 

April 14, 2015

home was nowhere, and everywhere.

I thought a lot about how to share what I want to share in this post today. 

Contrary to a lot of buzz going on on social media right now I am actually sort of against sharing my anxieties, short comings and failures for the most part; because... well... why?

In the blue leather journal on my side table, in my prayers and to my family are the places I share those sleepless nights, inadequate feelings and personal trials. I am not a super open person. I have always turned in to deal with my struggles; whether that is bad/good is up for discussion and dependent on the person. 

Some people really feel ... relief, when they share to the world and I am not downplaying those who find comfort in the words of others and I love to be a support to those who choose to share in that way. 

All of that being said, this post is a little outside of my comfort zone but I wanted to share an experience I had. 

Once upon a time, growing up, I had no "home". No, we weren't homeless. In fact we were always very comfortable BUT I couldn't tell you one childhood street name or phone number. I can't close my eyes and "smell" my home as I walked through the door. If you asked me to name one single childhood friend I would struggle to come up with a name, let alone a memory of them. 

I was raised in a single parent home by my mother, who against all odds produced some very amazing children. We never ordered a drink at a restaurant or went on a vacation that didn't involve a tent. 

I could pack a home in 2 hours flat and not care what I threw away or left behind. I have no wall with tiny nicks marking my growth or an old neighbor who was always shaking their finger at me. 

Home was everywhere and nowhere and I knew no different. 

But, this isn't a sad story! I learned so much from these experiences. I am not a packrat, in fact the furthest from it. I can make anywhere feel cozy and comfortable and I can adapt to new situations easily. 

Though, in my deepest wishes I always hoped that someday I could say, "Remember when?"...

That I could say... "20 years ago we were the first ones to...."

That I could show my children where they took their first steps and rode their first bike with no training wheels. 

A couple months ago Parker and I started the process of building our home. 
The home that will hold tiny notches of Cohen's growth.
A home that I hope to fill with love, contentment and MEMORIES, oh so many memories. 

I have debated sharing the journey for many reasons BUT I want my social journal to include this journey. The realization of a dream that has been stewing since my first doll playhouse. This past weekend I was able to take my mother to see where our home will be and it stirred up so much emotion in me. I hope I can share this haven with her and my brothers and sisters as well and we can create new and everlasting traditions within its walls. 

April 13, 2015

Juicing with Vive Juicery // Body Image

When I was pregnant I constantly heard my friends and family say, "You are just never the same", "Your body becomes your babies." and other variations of this... 

I don't think I ever truly internalized what that meant until I had Cohen. Obviously the pregnancy takes things from normal to huge and swollen. Then you have your babe and well birth is a thing of its own, the female body is SO AMAZING and built for such a task but yet things DO CHANGE, lets not kid ourselves. 

And as time goes by you put that perfect little life first and your body continues to change. Even little things like less time to exfoliate and moisturize and treat yourself to those pampering days and long baths changes soft skin to mama calluses and smooth legs to... well, let's not get into the details ;)

My own body image has definitly gone down since having Co; and though I am back to my "pre pregnancy weight" (a term I despise because it ultimately means nothing and is just a number) my body feels TOTALLY different and clothes just don't fit the same. 

 I am lucky if I squeeze in a walk and I now count chores as a work out. 

Before Cohen was born I felt strong, even while I was pregnant! I have the body type that loses muscle and begins to look like a scrawny teen boy if I don't work out and eat right. And I begin to feel so weak! << this is the point I am at today. 

I wanted to find something to jump start a better fitness routine for me (especially in the kitchen). I feel like my meals are fairly healthy but I LOVE sugar and treats, I usually have one after lunch and after dinner and i hate to say I may be semi- addicted. 

I also love salt - chips especially. And as you know its hard to make and cook nutritious meals while working and chasing a baby around the house!

That is where Vive Juicery came in. 

these super yummy, nutrient dense juices are the PERFECT way to add vitamins and goodness to your diet and to reset your buds! Which mine need desperately. Vive sent me 18 juices (6 every other day) to add to my diet. I didn't do a cleanse because frankly I can't hack it AND I am breastfeeding Cohen so I wanted to make sure I kept my supply up. 

I would drink a juice with breakfast, after lunch and has a treat twice a day. I saw my energy levels go up immediately! As well as my sugar cravings go down. I would drink the sweeter juices as my treats (Daydream and Hero) to curb those cravings.

The juices also tasted so good. I am partial to the sweet ones but even the mixes packed with things like KALE, CELERY, SPINACH somehow came out tasting delicious and so dense (which is a quality I think juices often lack).

I definitely reccommend these yummy juices to anyone who just needs a pick me up or a jump strt to a healthier you. Vive sells individually and in "cleanses" and they also have group rates if you have family members, friends or coworkers who want to join your juicing frenzy. 

And ... let's stop beating ourselves up & comparing to others. Let's realize our bodies are vessels that can CREATE LIFE... hello, how miraculous is that?! 

01 09 10