i used to write a lot. i felt like thoughts/opinions were constantly flowing and ebbing at the edge of my brain just begging to spill out. then about a year ago they ceased.
the world became a blur of diapers and sleep schedules and writing wasn't even on my radar. my energy and creativity had been sucked into the keeping alive of a tiny perfect human being; and it was bliss.
some weeks ago i thought, where have all of my thoughts gone?! not that my brain was empty but those extra thoughts that creep in the deep untapped corners of your brain. those intense, odd thoughts that most of us have but dare say to anyone but ourselves. so i began to dig, flip, shake; anything to awaken them because they are me; and something i have always vowed is that i would be me for my children. that i would be odd, quirky and question everything in order to foster that difference in them. i believe that being strange, being yourself will lead you to your perfect life.
so today as i went about a normal monday laying cohen down for his morning nap those thoughts, after being rattled for a few weeks, began to emerge like a slow, low fog to to the front of my mind. swirling and conjuring up the bubbly need to type that i long for.
and it was all especially ordinary. but, it made me realize the perfect calm that you have as a mother each day. the soft glug of the morning bath draining and the scent of baby lotion on your hands. the cozy mess of toy trucks and tiny shoes. the assurance that you are needed, wanted, loved in a way that cannot be replicated and will never cease.
the silent promise of a sleeping baby that when he wakes he will know you exactly as you are and love you for it.
there is no other feeling in the world that can foster a perfect understanding of yourself like being a mother. and though for a year my thoughts were trapped deep inside me i know they were only multiplying and growing because of him; and i cannot wait to share them.