May 21, 2016

Lennon Allen 5|16|16

Lennon was born Monday May 16th at 8:08pm; that normal monday became something special so swiftly!

Parker and I had invited his parents over to eat dinner. We were all sitting around the table chatting around 6:15pm when I started to feel some super light contractions; I kept them to myself and we went about eating. After dinner I mentioned that it may be tonight or tomorrow morning that we had our babe and the excitement spread quickly; Parker's mom suggested we start timing the contractions and I brushed it off.

About 5 minutes later I felt like they were pretty consistent so she began to time them at 1.5 - 2 minutes apart; though close they weren't intense. We kept chatting and after about 20 minutes I noticed I had to stop and brace myself when one would set in at that point I decided we should get Cohen ready for bed and I called Parker inside.

It was hysterical getting Co down with contractions in between! I would drop to all fours and he thought I was playing horsey (which I clearly was not lol). He is the sweetest thing and could sense my distress even when we laid him down; I was so happy that we would get to sleep through everything and wake up to a new baby!

When we left Co's room Parker said "one more contraction and we are in the car", I sort of laughed at him because they didn't seem THAT urgent but he could sense it! I gathered my bags and Parker was at my heels hurrying me to the car, and man I am glad he was!
LUCKILY the hospital is only 2 exits from our house, it took us probably 4 minutes to arrive and they were so long.

In the car I turned to Parker and said "I'm scared that I am going to push him out in here!". I could feel the shift in intensity and little babe was so ready to come!

We arrived at the hospital around 7:45pm, Parker said he was going to go park the car and I said no way! We left it sitting in the unloading area and rushed in. The volunteer checking people in was very nervous that I was SO in labor and as my water broke in the lobby you could tell she was in a semi panic; finally they showed us the way up to labor and delivery.

I had one more contraction in the elevator and as they wheeled me what seemed like to miles into our room I knew the baby was so close! In the room they asked me to get up on to the bed, what seemed like an impossible task as I knelt on the floor sure he would be born there! With Parkers help I climbed up and could feel so much pressure and his little head, I could feel his head! It brings tears to my eyes thinking of that moment that gave me so much strength, 3 pushes later Lennon came into the world! He was perfect and calm, even his cry was so so small and the rush I felt feeling his whole body leave me is something I will never forget. He was born at 8:08pm 6 lbs 2oz and 19 inches long. He has a tiny scuff of a birthmark on his forehead and amazing dark dark hair. He is so comfortable, calm and has completed our family!

We love you Lennon Cox Allen.

November 30, 2015

its back

wow. it has been ages since i have opened a blog page to write! what a shame that our world has become so fast that a social media post is sometimes too much for our attention spans. 

i used to write a lot. i felt like thoughts/opinions were constantly flowing and ebbing at the edge of my brain just begging to spill out. then about a year ago they ceased. 

the world became a blur of diapers and sleep schedules and writing wasn't even on my radar. my energy and creativity had been sucked into the keeping alive of a tiny perfect human being; and it was bliss. 
some weeks ago i thought, where have all of my thoughts gone?! not that my brain was empty but those extra thoughts that creep in the deep untapped corners of your brain. those intense, odd thoughts that most of us have but dare say to anyone but ourselves. so i began to dig, flip, shake; anything to awaken them because they are me; and something i have always vowed is that i would be me for my children. that i would be odd, quirky and question everything in order to foster that difference in them. i believe that being strange, being yourself will lead you to your perfect life. 

so today as i went about a normal monday laying cohen down for his morning nap those thoughts, after being rattled for a few weeks, began to emerge like a slow, low fog to to the front of my mind. swirling and conjuring up the bubbly need to type that i long for. 

and it was all especially ordinary. but, it made me realize the perfect calm that you have as a mother each day. the soft glug of the morning bath draining and the scent of baby lotion on your hands. the cozy mess of toy trucks and tiny shoes. the assurance that you are needed, wanted, loved in a way that cannot be replicated and will never cease. 

the silent promise of a sleeping baby that when he wakes he will know you exactly as you are and love you for it. 

there is no other feeling in the world that can foster a perfect understanding of yourself like being a mother. and though for a year my thoughts were trapped deep inside me i know they were only multiplying and growing because of him; and i cannot wait to share them. 

April 14, 2015

home was nowhere, and everywhere.

I thought a lot about how to share what I want to share in this post today. 

Contrary to a lot of buzz going on on social media right now I am actually sort of against sharing my anxieties, short comings and failures for the most part; because... well... why?

In the blue leather journal on my side table, in my prayers and to my family are the places I share those sleepless nights, inadequate feelings and personal trials. I am not a super open person. I have always turned in to deal with my struggles; whether that is bad/good is up for discussion and dependent on the person. 

Some people really feel ... relief, when they share to the world and I am not downplaying those who find comfort in the words of others and I love to be a support to those who choose to share in that way. 

All of that being said, this post is a little outside of my comfort zone but I wanted to share an experience I had. 

Once upon a time, growing up, I had no "home". No, we weren't homeless. In fact we were always very comfortable BUT I couldn't tell you one childhood street name or phone number. I can't close my eyes and "smell" my home as I walked through the door. If you asked me to name one single childhood friend I would struggle to come up with a name, let alone a memory of them. 

I was raised in a single parent home by my mother, who against all odds produced some very amazing children. We never ordered a drink at a restaurant or went on a vacation that didn't involve a tent. 

I could pack a home in 2 hours flat and not care what I threw away or left behind. I have no wall with tiny nicks marking my growth or an old neighbor who was always shaking their finger at me. 

Home was everywhere and nowhere and I knew no different. 

But, this isn't a sad story! I learned so much from these experiences. I am not a packrat, in fact the furthest from it. I can make anywhere feel cozy and comfortable and I can adapt to new situations easily. 

Though, in my deepest wishes I always hoped that someday I could say, "Remember when?"...

That I could say... "20 years ago we were the first ones to...."

That I could show my children where they took their first steps and rode their first bike with no training wheels. 

A couple months ago Parker and I started the process of building our home. 
The home that will hold tiny notches of Cohen's growth.
A home that I hope to fill with love, contentment and MEMORIES, oh so many memories. 

I have debated sharing the journey for many reasons BUT I want my social journal to include this journey. The realization of a dream that has been stewing since my first doll playhouse. This past weekend I was able to take my mother to see where our home will be and it stirred up so much emotion in me. I hope I can share this haven with her and my brothers and sisters as well and we can create new and everlasting traditions within its walls. 

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